Coming Home: The Damaged Series - Book Three Page 11

  Staring at the striations in the marble, she said softly, “It seems everyone knew his intentions except me. The person who took Bennett’s life was kept in the dark until the very end.” James started to dispute the words and she shook her head. “Dress it up any way you want but it was my body he was inside when his heart stopped beating. It was my eyes he was staring into when he took his last breath.”

  Straightening, she whispered, “Some will call it mercy. Others will call it murder. Perhaps not legally since he made his wishes clear...but that won’t change perception.”

  “Few know the circumstances of his death, Rowan. Not the company, not the general staff. Three people from your own life who would never betray you, the Fields, Mary-Margaret, and myself are the only ones who know the sacrifice Bennett asked you to make.”

  Absently, she traced the gold thread in the countertop. “Only I will have last night as the final memory of a man I loved more than life.” Meeting James’ caramel eyes, she was too tired to wipe her tears. “The last minutes of his life will haunt me to the end of mine.”

  “I’m so sorry, Rowan.”

  “So am I.” She smiled and it physically hurt. “I would rather our last memory had been our sleigh ride in rural Russia. Hot cocoa, laughter, and cheeks rosy from the cold. Any memory out of thousands we shared instead of watching him die beneath me in the same hour he claimed my virginity.”

  She could see James struggling for words.

  “It really is a shock to lose your innocence and your man at the same time.” Walking around him through the door, she bumped into Gage. He steadied her and she immediately stepped out of his grasp. She didn’t look at his face. “Sorry.”

  “Everyone worried when you didn’t come back,” he explained. “Can I do anything, Rowan?” She shook her head. “I love your slippers.”

  The statement made her release a semi-hysterical laugh. Needing to escape, she gestured mutely toward her office. Bennett’s ring flew off her thumb. Gage snatched it out of the air, stared at it in his palm for a long moment, and then held it out to Rowan.

  Shaking hard enough that her teeth chattered, she took it back. “Th-thank you.” Holding her hands to her chest, she walked down the hall.

  In her office, she sat cross-legged on the couch she and Bennett had often lounged on for their big conversations. They loved it more than any other in the house.

  Slipping the ring on her thumb again, she stared at it numbly. “I understand, I think. Part of me does. You asked me for something and...I always tried to make what you wanted possible. I wish you hadn’t asked for this, Bennett. I have no idea how I’m going to live with it.”

  Leaning against the heavily padded back, she stared at the ring and thought about the first time she met Bennett.

  When Miss Jeffries covered her with a blanket, she blinked at her in confusion. “Did I fall asleep?”

  “Rest is the best medicine. It’s afternoon. Can I get you something to eat?” Rowan shook her head. “Hmm. Water then. You need to keep up your strength.”

  “Maybe later,” she answered.

  “I’m gonna sit in this comfortable chair in the corner and work on my needlepoint. I’ll be quiet so you can think.”

  Rowan didn’t know if she answered or not. She stared at the ring she’d placed on Bennett’s finger the day they married. He’d never taken it off outside of lab tests.

  “You gave me the biggest damn ring I’d ever seen and went simple for yourself.” She looked at the diamond band she wore without the engagement ring and smiled. “The first time you saw I wasn’t wearing that fucking thing, I thought you’d fall over. You and I were always changing expectations, Bennett.” Blinking against tears that burned, she tried to smile. “I knew I could lose you but...I never really thought I would.”

  She let her mind drift, remembering.

  It was dark when she woke from another nap she hadn’t known she was taking. A lamp Bennett bought her when she showed him what it was like to thrift store shop glowed softly across the room.

  “I don’t understand,” he’d told her in mock outrage. “Three dollars for a lamp? Why does anyone pay full price for anything?”

  She’d laughed and replied, “Exactly, Bennett.”

  For the first time, Rowan registered the soreness between her legs. It was something she’d never felt before and when she realized the cause, she started crying all over again.

  Nina lowered to the couch beside her and held out a box of tissues. She was crying as well. “I’m sorry, Rowan. It was achingly obvious how much you loved each other. We don’t have to talk. We can just sit.”

  The minutes drew out in silence.

  “It was supposed to be a celebration,” Rowan finally told her. “A celebration of his incredible life...and it ended up being a wake.” She met caramel eyes and whispered, “It’s my fault.”

  “No. It isn’t, Rowan. I know that emotionally it’s going to take you a long time to believe that, accept it, but it isn’t your fault. Bennett chose the time and place of his death - spending his last moments with the woman he loved above and beyond anything else in his life.”

  “I was the weapon.” The words were almost inaudible.

  Nina reached out and took her hand. “You were the comfort that kept him from being afraid. You were the touch that told him he wasn’t alone. You were the heartbreak that showed he’d be missed, remembered. You were the strength that gave him relief from his sickness.”

  Rowan covered her face. “The pain...I don’t know what to do.” Gasping, her body was wracked with sobs. “I-I don’t know how to breathe, how to be now.”

  Moving closer, Nina pulled her into a hug and the sobs worsened. “I’m sorry you lost your Bennett. I’m sorry your heart is broken.” Nina cupped Rowan’s head gently as she rubbed her back. “It’s going to be okay. Every day, it will get a little easier. I know it doesn’t seem like it now - the pain is fresh and new - but it will ease.”

  They sat like that, Nina holding her while she cried. She didn’t know when she cried herself to sleep but woke when James lifted her carefully from the couch.

  Her throat was raw. “James?” He stared down at her as he straightened. “I’m sorry you lost Bennett. I-I know he was like a father to you. He loved you so much.”

  Bennett’s bodyguard - now her bodyguard - stumbled, went to one knee, and cried. That he didn’t drop her attested to how good he was at his job. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and he returned the hug almost painfully.

  “I can’t imagine how the last days have been for you.”

  “Hell, Rowan. It was a nightmare keeping it from you, knowing we were going to lose him no matter what, watching the seconds tick away.”

  “I’m sorry, so very sorry, James.” She pulled back to look at him and wiped his tears. “Y-you be strong for me, for Mary-Margaret, and I’ll try to be strong for both of you. Bennett called us his Triple Threat…” Her breath caught. “No one can ever beat me, he’d say, not with the Triple Threat in my corner.”

  “He was the best man I’ve ever known, Rowan.”

  She nodded. “Me, too.”

  “We have to make him proud.”

  Rowan hated the tears that never stopped. “You always made him proud. Always.”

  “So did you,” he said softly. He inhaled deeply. “Do it again, Rowan. Show the world why Bennett worshiped you, why you captivated such a good and powerful man completely from the first day he met you, why he only trusted you with the company he built lovingly for forty years.”

  Softly, she replied, “I feel like I’m bleeding out.”

  “I know. It’s going to be hard on all of us but no one as much as you. One day, one thing at a time.” She nodded.

  James got to his feet and carried her to the elevator.

  When the doors closed, she whispered, “It smells like Bennett’s aftershave.” Swallowing hard, she added, “I don’t know why it comforts me - smelling him in the elevator he hated usi
ng - but it does.”

  “One day, one thing at a time.”

  He placed her on her feet at the door of the master suite and seemed to choose his words with care.

  “The transmitter is still in this room, the one we used so I could get to Bennett if he n-needed me.” He gripped her shoulder and understanding slammed into her.

  “You...heard everything.”

  The big man’s eyes closed. “No one on this earth understands what you gave him like I do.” He focused on her. “I’ll protect you for the rest of my life for what you did, Rowan. I will see you through this no matter what it takes.” Reaching around her, he opened the door. “Turn it off if you want but I’m right next door. I’m trusting you to be Bennett’s fearless lioness, Rowan.”

  Twisting her hands together tightly, she said, “I won’t h-hurt myself. You have my word.”

  “I’ll hold you to it.”

  She walked into the bedroom and James pulled the door closed behind her. A man’s dress shirt lay at the end of the bed. Picking it up, she realized it was the shirt Bennett had worn the night before.

  Holding it to her face, she inhaled deeply of the aftershave and unique scent of the man she loved.

  “Bennett.” Swallowing hard, she murmured to the room, “Thank you, James.”

  Stripping down, she put on Bennett’s shirt and went into her husband’s closet. Keying the code into the safe, she opened one of the drawers to look at his jewelry. Picking up a thin platinum chain, she put Bennett’s wedding ring on it and put it over her head. It fell between her breasts.

  “There,” she whispered, “you’ll always be right beside my heart.”

  Climbing under the blankets, she left all the lights on. She held Bennett’s pillow against her as her mind raced. Laying in the bed she’d shared with him, she stared through the large windows that looked out on the dark estate. The pale moon moved across the sky and she struggled to sleep.

  As if Bennett whispered into her ear, she heard, “You might be pregnant, Rowan.”

  She’d forgotten the possibility.

  “Please give me a miracle,” she begged the universe as she placed her palm on her stomach. “Give me his child to love.” Crying softly, she buried her face in his pillow. “I miss you, Bennett. I’m so lost.”

  Eventually, exhaustion and bone-deep grief shoved her into fitful sleep.

  Chapter Twelve

  Rowan’s appetite was non-existent and by the middle of her second day refusing to eat, her bodyguard was prepared to have a medical team hook up an IV.

  She sat at her desk, staring at the back courtyard where Bennett danced with her, lost in thought.

  A Styrofoam cup with a straw appeared in front of her. Her eyes focused on it in confusion. She looked up at Gage.

  “Strawberry shake from Brahms. You need calories, Rowan. This used to be your favorite.”

  She took the cup from him and held it in a daze. She hadn’t had a shake in years.

  Gage had given her the last one. He’d delivered two cup holders of treats to the home a couple of months before graduation. The girls were giddy and he made sure Rowan got a strawberry...because it was her favorite. Reaching into the cab of his truck, he’d removed it from the cup holder and held it out with a wink.

  Putting the straw to her lips, she took a sip of the memory. It made her smile. “Thank you, Gage.”

  “You’re welcome.” He walked to the window seat behind her desk and lowered to it. “Your office is gorgeous. It says so much about the person you are now.”

  She glanced around, taking in the knick-knacks on the glassed-in bookshelves she’d collected over the years from yard sales and thrift stores. Among them were outrageously expensive pieces given to her by Bennett.

  He gestured to the stand that held a huge pad of paper. “I see you still brainstorm like nobody else.” Releasing a soft chuckle, he added, “You were the only girl who went through Miss Jeffries’ care who ever put notebooks and pens on your Christmas list.”

  “I-I never seem to have enough paper.” Meeting his eyes, she tried to navigate the chaos in her mind. “I…” She paused and cleared her throat to try again. “It’s hard for me to talk to you right now.”

  “I get that,” he answered quietly. “I’m sorry about Bennett, Rowan. I know how much you loved him. He was a damn good man.”

  She nodded, blinked against tears, and took another sip of the shake to avoid trying to talk.

  “Did you know Bennett renovated the home for Miss Jeffries?” Her eyes widened and she shook her head. “Top to bottom when she only had a couple of girls last year. Had a double-wide trailer parked on the property for them to live in while the work was done.”

  “He never told me.”

  “Did he tell you about your house?”

  Frowning, she murmured, “What?”

  “That man sure loved surprisin’ you, Rowan.” Reaching into his back pocket, he removed his cell phone. He went to the gallery before handing it to her.

  She scrolled through photos of a blue and white Craftsman-style house she’d never seen before. It was two stories with columns, a wraparound porch, and big trees out front.

  “When we were here for your last birthday, he asked if I had some land he could use to build you a house.” She looked up from the phone in confusion. “I sold him ten acres of forest next to my place. Right across the road from Miss Jeffries.” Nodding at the phone in her hand, he said, “Told us he’d figured out your dream house after lots of talkin’ y’all did and he planned to build it close to your friends.”

  “Bennett built me a house in Daingerfield?” He smiled. “Why…?” She closed her eyes as pain lanced through her chest. “Oh, Bennett. You were planning all this time.”

  From the door, James told her quietly, “The house looks like a traditional Craftsman but it has a poured concrete basement with flood protection and a panic room. The wood of the exterior was built over concrete, rebar, and steel sheeting. The windows are impact-resistant to a 50 caliber round. It has top of the line security, a gate and iron boundary around the house itself, a six-foot stone boundary around the rest of the land, and a bunkhouse for more security that looks like a barn.”

  Confused, she asked, “I don’t...why so much security? It’s Daingerfield. Have you been there? There’s like three people and a cow.”

  “You’re not Miss Foxe anymore, sweetheart. You’re Mrs. Bennett Jefferson - the sole heir to a massive fortune left to you by your billionaire husband upon his death. It doesn’t matter where you live, Rowan. You’ll need protection for the rest of your life.”

  Handing Gage back his phone, she rubbed her temple. “Why would I live there? I spent my marriage with Bennett in this house. My memories with him are strongest here.”

  James shrugged. “This house will always belong to you, Rowan. Bennett thought you might need to get away from it for a while after his death. What better place than near the people you’ve known all your life? Mary-Margaret and I will go where you go.” Pointing at the shake in her hand, he said, “Drink that. You haven’t eaten a thing in two days.”

  She drank it distractedly as she stared at the land beyond her window. Bennett had given her life after losing him a lot of thought. It made her happy even as it made her weep.

  How awful to live the last years of his life with his death hovering over everything. Always waiting for his heart to fail, to stop beating, to snatch him from his life.

  It didn’t stop him working, laughing, or loving her.

  Setting down the empty cup, she wiped her face. To herself, she whispered, “How brave you were, Bennett. I’m still destroyed that you left me but...I can imagine how tired you were of waiting to die.”

  Mary-Margaret appeared at her other side. “People are arriving for the funeral tomorrow, Rowan. I’ve explained that you’re not to be disturbed. The seamstress is here to make any alterations needed to your dress.”

  “My...dress?” Her eyes felt like saucers. �
�Bennett ordered me a dress for his funeral?” Mary-Margaret quirked her brow and Rowan laughed sadly. “Of course he did.”

  “Two members of the media whom Bennett requested specifically will be allowed to attend tomorrow. He chose the most stunning ensemble for you.”

  “He thought of everything and I…” Rowan’s voice trailed away. “I didn’t think about any of the details.”

  Gage told her gently, “Your life was lovin’ Bennett and keepin’ his world turnin’ smooth and happy. From his company to his house to the food he ate. You were focused on his entire universe...all he was focused on was you.”

  Nodding, James added, “He took care of the things with us he knew you’d be in no condition to think about. Saying goodbye to him is going to be hard enough without having to choose which shoes to wear.”

  Closing her eyes, she tried to settle her emotions. “I don’t want to say goodbye to him.”

  “No matter when it happened,” Mary-Margaret told her, “you never would have been ready, Rowan.”

  “No one ever loved me as much,” she murmured looking at the floor. Exhausted, she pulled herself to her feet and walked from her office. Over her shoulder, she called, “Thank you for the shake, Gage. It’s still my favorite.”

  * * *

  Nightmares plagued her and when she woke the morning of Bennett’s funeral, Rowan was wrung out. Dragging herself into a sitting position, she scrubbed her hands over her face.

  “I miss you, Bennett. I’m terrified and you know I hate being afraid. If-if you could send me some strength today, I’d be so grateful.” She made it to her feet and shuffled to the bathroom to handle the necessities and shower.

  At her vanity, she didn’t bother with makeup. Her eyes were red, swollen, and burning from three days of crying. The thought of subjecting them to cosmetics was impossible.

  She brushed out her hair and blow-dried it. Loosely coiling it at the base of her neck, she hoped Mary-Margaret could help her with the pillbox hat Bennett ordered to go with the dress.