Coming Home: The Damaged Series - Book Three Page 13

  “It’s been good to have you back in my life.”

  Holding her gaze, Nina said clearly, “I’m sorry for what I did, Rowan. I’ve done some horrible shit but...that was the worst because it left me isolated from my only friend.”

  “I forgive you for being young and frightened and spun out. I forgive you for not knowing any other way to get what you needed. I forgive you for all of it, Nina.”

  Her voice was shaky. “Thank you, Rowan.”

  Hugging Nina tightly, Rowan glanced across the room at Gage. “I’m not strong enough to have the full conversation I know we need to have. Not now. Do you understand?”

  “I do. I’ll wait.” His entire body looked tense.

  “The short version is that I forgive you. You were young. I didn’t understand the weight of celibacy on the man you were then, but I get it in retrospect. Bennett was helpful. I know you sincerely cared about me despite the mistakes made at the time. You wouldn’t be here now if that wasn’t true.”

  There was a flush across his cheeks. “Yes, Rowan. I c-cared about you. I still care. I’m sorry. More than you know.”

  Smiling at Miss Jeffries, Rowan said, “The air is cleared. You can breathe easy now.”

  “It’s been just hangin’ around for the last year. Lord.”

  “I need to get out there.” At that moment, Mary-Margaret entered with a tray holding several plates. “Uh...please tell me that’s for everyone in the room.”

  “Fine,” the assistant said, “but I’d be lying.”

  The food was placed in the center of the coffee table and everyone finally agreed to eat from it.

  At one point, she lifted her gaze and found Gage staring at her with an intense expression. He gripped the arms of the chair with white-knuckled hands. Rowan’s eyes flicked down and she realized he was hard.

  Her brain shut down with an internal scream.

  How seeing a man’s erection could make her shiver on the day she buried her husband struck her with deep shame that made it impossible for her to eat another bite.

  Standing abruptly, she smiled too brightly at James. “I-I need to get out there. I’ve hidden long enough.”

  Crossing the threshold, she could feel Gage’s eyes on her and hated herself for the way her body reacted to it.

  Rowan threw herself painfully back into the moment, welcoming the agony of loss she’d shied from earlier.

  She deserved to suffer.

  The list of her sins was growing.

  After circulating for a while, Rowan walked up several steps of the house’s central staircase and looked out at the men and women who’d existed in Bennett’s orbit in one way or another: as a friend, working together, or one of his many appreciated employees. The people in attendance quieted and gathered in the broad foyer.

  “I wasn’t able to speak earlier and I regret it. Bennett deserved better from me, more from me.” Rowan turned away, breathing deeply before starting again. James handed her a fresh handkerchief and she nodded in thanks.

  “My husband was larger than life. He was sick when I met him but still powerful and charismatic. I did my graduate thesis on the Lion of Finance so I admit to a pre-existing crush on the man behind the financial column and books I devoured from the library - too broke to own them.” She paused with a smile. “I’m proud to say I have several personalized copies in my possession now.”

  There were chuckles around the room.

  “I’d seen photos of Bennett but wasn’t prepared for the vibrant green of his eyes or the intensity of his presence. He wooed me through an ankle injury - unorthodox to say the least - with ice packs and Chinese takeout sent to my dorm.”

  Remembering, she was lost in thought. Shaking herself, she gripped the staircase bannister.

  “He was a man who gave all of himself to his work, his charities, his friends…and me.” Rowan closed her eyes a moment. “Bennett gave me everything I never realized I needed. There’s a void where he resided and I’m going to work to fill that empty space with things that would make him proud of me. He carries a piece of my heart, like armor, into his next great adventure.”

  Lifting a wine glass Mary-Margaret handed her holding apple juice, Rowan said clearly, “To Bennett.”

  The marble echoed with every voice repeating her husband’s name and it caused goosebumps to break out all over her.

  Welcome the grief.

  Embrace the pain.

  It would distract Rowan from the horrible person she’d turned out to be.

  Chapter Fourteen

  The next day, Rowan and Nina spent hours talking through the chaos of their younger selves and it felt amazing to finally share the intimate details of her life with Bennett with someone other than James or Mary-Margaret.

  A woman her age who’d known her forever.

  Despite her need to keep Nina and Miss Jeffries with her, it was with enormous relief when she told her friends goodbye the day they returned to Daingerfield.

  She needed Gage out of her house.

  As if some awful switch had powered on without her knowledge - despite her genuine grief over losing her beloved Bennett so recently - her body went rogue when he was anywhere near her.

  Every night beside her husband, Rowan had dreamed about Bennett touching her. It comforted her and she welcomed the chance to touch her husband in a dream state since she couldn’t do so in life.

  After their hours together before Bennett’s death, her dreams of him turned to nightmares.

  Then Gage reappeared in a much more intense capacity than when she’d dreamed of him at college. She knew the logistics and the pleasure possible now - thanks to Bennett - and her mind embellished everything.

  It was jarring to have another man intrude in such a way when she loved and missed Bennett so much.

  Despite her mental focus on Bennett before she closed her eyes, it was Gage who appeared to touch her in her dreams. She woke aching, breathless, touching herself.

  The shame was crippling.

  No matter the hour, she climbed from her bed to shower, anxious to scrub away the physical evidence of her betrayal of the man who’d done everything right from the start.

  Bennett had earned her love, her loyalty.

  Over the following weeks, to numb her mind and exhaust her body, Rowan threw herself into Bennett’s company.

  She was officially named president and CEO, assuming the helm of one of the largest companies in the United States at the age of twenty-six.

  She didn’t give interviews.

  She didn’t leave the house.

  Rowan ran a few miles every morning, worked in her home office for twelve hours a day, and begged the universe to help her make Bennett proud.

  Three weeks after the funeral, James and Mary-Margaret gave up on Rowan asking for their help. She was sitting behind Bennett’s desk, crying softly as she remembered how many times she’d come to this spot to be near him, to talk to him.

  They appeared on either side, essentially cornering her.

  “Alright, darling,” Mary-Margaret began softly, “enough is enough. It’s time to talk about the thing that’s flooding you with guilt, interrupting your sleep, and causing you to fill every moment to keep from thinking too much.”

  “I miss…”

  “We know you miss Bennett, Rowan.” James crouched beside the chair. “That isn’t what this is.”

  Horrified, she whispered, “I-I can’t…”

  Leaning against Bennett’s desk, Mary-Margaret crossed her arms. “Many years ago, when I was in my early thirties, my husband was hit by a car and killed.” Rowan gasped softly.

  “I’d known him all my life. We were high school sweethearts and he remains the love of my life.”

  “I’m sorry, Mary-Margaret.”

  “I adored him, had built my entire life around him, and deeply missed him to the core of myself. I still do.” She cleared her throat. “Three days after his death, I slept with his best friend.” Rowan’s eyes went wide. �
�A man who’d been in love with me as long as I’d been in love with Henry but I’d never noticed. The guilt ate me alive and I sabotaged what likely would have been a fulfilling, beautiful follow up to what I shared with my husband. I martyred myself, you see. Became a paragon of virtue, pining over a man who could never touch me again, never love me again. I regret walking away from Ed to this day and it’s been almost thirty years.”

  “I…” Rowan didn’t know what to say.

  “Humans are fascinating creatures, Rowan. We’re meant for connection with others and that makes us weak even as it makes us strong.” Reaching out, she smoothed her palm over Rowan’s hair. “Before you met Bennett, you were deeply in love with a man. A mortal, flawed man who made a mistake that cut you to the quick.”

  Tears fell rapidly but Rowan didn’t wipe them away.

  “Bennett knew how you felt about Gage. You were honest when he asked and he was honest when he told you that your heart was big enough to love more than one man.”

  “It hasn’t been there all this time and suddenly...it was.”

  “You’re human. You’re in the prime of your life. Let’s not forget that you’ve only very recently become sexually active. You were given a sample of what’s possible and immediately lost the man who showed you.” She sighed heavily. “You proved your love for Bennett over and over again, Rowan. No one doubts your loyalty or devotion to him, darling. No one except you.”

  “Bennett would…”

  James laughed. “Bennett cycled at least a hundred women through his life before you came along, Rowan. He actively pursued women he saw across a room, flipped them inside out for a single night, and never spoke to them again. That’s who he was in his prime. Had you met him before his heart trouble, he would have coaxed you to the nearest bed within days and taken you every chance he had. Don’t think he would judge you, Rowan. He understood need and want better than anyone.”

  Mary-Margaret nodded. “Dreaming of a man, having sex with a man, and loving a man who is alive is an acceptable response to losing one to death who can never love you, never touch you again. Stop torturing yourself for your perceived failings, Rowan. Your life is your own and it’s only just beginning. Take what you want, what you need, and use the Jefferson fortune to insulate you from the prying eyes of others who haven’t walked in your shoes.”

  Straightening, the assistant said, “You have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow morning. I made it when you didn’t get your last period.”

  Despite the weight of their conversation, Rowan laughed. “You track my periods?”

  “Darling, I track everything. How many miles you run, how many hours of sleep you get, and so forth. I love counting things and making lists. Something you know well.”

  Inhaling deeply, Rowan murmured, “Maybe my hormones are just messed up. It could have been a fluke. I-I can’t possibly want Gage again after all this time.”

  Snickering, Mary-Margaret headed for the door to her small office beside Bennett’s. “Keep telling yourself that, Rowan. It will make the culmination so much more interesting to watch.”

  Rowan looked at James. “You’re a man…”

  “So I’ve been told,” he said with a smile.

  “If-if you were Bennett, if the woman who loved you - that you loved - lusted after another man the day she held your funeral...would you hate her?”

  He took her hand between his. “Rowan. You know Bennett wanted you to love again...where do you think love starts? It’s some part of you tuning in to something about another person. With you and Bennett, it was your crush made manifest. You fell in love with his mind first and proximity made you fall for the rest despite rarely being able to touch him. You loved Gage for years and I know you were physically attracted to him.” She nodded. “There’s no way he didn’t touch you, kiss you, before everything went wrong.”

  “H-he did. He was waiting until I was eighteen to be with me.”

  “Did you like the way he made you feel?” She nodded slowly. “Did you look forward to the rest?”

  “I counted the days.”

  “And then nothing for five years. No boyfriend, no physical contact, no relief until you met Bennett.” He shook his head. “You loved him, wanted him, and received one night with your husband that’s understandably overshadowed by how it ended.”

  “I wanted forever…”

  “You can’t have forever. Not with Bennett. You can have something - however much or little you see fit - with Gage. I also think it would give you some closure to your past pain.”

  Clearing her throat, she kept her eyes down. “I don’t think I can think clearly until I know for sure if I’m pregnant.”

  “Then let’s answer that question first.”

  Looking into his eyes, she whispered, “Thank you, James.”

  “You’re welcome, Rowan. One thing at a time. One day at a time. Be gentle with yourself and stop holding yourself to some standard you think Bennett would have for you. You’re a good person through and through. He knew that. You’re also human. He knew that, too.”

  Patting her hand, the bodyguard stood and left the room. Rowan turned in Bennett’s chair and stared out over the back of the estate. In the distance, she could see the roof of the mausoleum that held the body of her husband.

  “How strange life is without you in it. I miss you.”

  Standing, she returned to her own office and got back to work. It felt good to do things, accomplish things, to keep her mind busy.

  As for her body, it had its own agenda.

  * * *

  The following afternoon, James and Mary-Margaret stood beside her when the doctor returned to the room to give her the lab results.

  “Mrs. Jefferson, you’re pregnant and healthy as can be. Do you know the date of conception? That will help us narrow down your due date.”

  Her palms on her stomach, Rowan smiled as she cried. “Yes. I know the date of conception. I will never, ever forget it.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  Getting confirmation that she was pregnant changed everything for Rowan. Instantly, she was focused on the child growing in her body.

  The child Bennett gave her before he died.

  The child he died to give her.

  She threw herself into work to make sure she’d be able to take time off when the baby came.

  Mary-Margaret and James were indispensable to her each and every day. They were as excited as Rowan to welcome the new addition to their odd little family dynamic.

  In the spring, when she was safely past her first trimester, she called Miss Jeffries to share the news.

  Shockingly, it was Gage who answered the phone. “I don’t...is Miss Jeffries alright?”

  “She’s okay, Rowan. She slipped comin’ down the stairs a couple of days ago and wrenched her back pretty bad. The doctors have her on bed rest so Mom and I are helpin’ out with the girls who are with her right now.”

  “Tell her I’m coming.”

  “It’s okay…”

  “Gage, that woman is like a mother to me. Why didn’t someone call to tell me what happened?”

  “I, uh, planned on that. Mom was gonna ring you later today. I didn’t want you to worry.”

  Standing to pace, Rowan frowned. “She’s seventy-three. I worry about her all the time. I’ll be there in a few hours. Let her know. Also, I’ll have Mary-Margaret send over the women who covered for Miss Jeffries when she was here.”

  “You don’t have to…”

  “I do, Gage. I do have to.”

  There was a long pause on the other end of the line. “Then I guess we’ll see you when you get here, Rowan.”

  Disconnecting, Rowan turned to yell for James and found him right behind her.

  He asked, “Miss Jeffries?” She nodded. “I’ll prep transport and let Mary-Margaret know to pack your office gear. Throw a bag together.” He turned to go and stopped. “Did you call Nina? Maybe she should come.”

  Something about the way he said it j
ust as she was about to dial Nina in New York made her look up. His eyes were bright, his stance tense.

  Lowering the phone, Rowan gave him a slow smile. “Well, well. James has a secret.”

  “Don’t be a brat.” He cleared his throat. “I just know she’s close to Miss Jeffries as well. That’s all.”

  “Sure, James. I’ll call her now. Get Nina on down to Texas so we can make sure Miss Jeffries is okay. See if she can stay a few days...just to be safe.”

  “I dislike you when you’re like this,” he said gruffly.

  “It’s so rare that I get the opportunity! The last time was that adorable caterer a million moons ago. Cute but crazy, that one. Seemed so normal - then full nutbar.” Considering, she tilted her head. “Come to think of it, there hasn’t been anyone that I recall since you met Nina. Maybe that’s just a coincidence, James.” She winked. “Is it? A coincidence?”

  He seemed to struggle for something to say so she helped.

  “Nina is beautiful, kind, and stronger than she realizes. Since you’re one of the best men I’ve ever met, you’d be good for her. God knows, she deserves a decent man in her life.” Dialing, she put the phone to her ear and said, “Hey, Nina. Listen, Miss Jeffries had a fall. She’s okay but I’m headed there now.” She stared at her bodyguard as she listened to her friend. “Yes, I knew you’d want to be there.” Smiling slowly, she replied, “Of course James will be with me. He goes with me everywhere. Uh huh, you’re just curious. I get it. See you tomorrow.”

  Passing him to pack, she said, “The coincidences are piling up and each of you are so curious about the other. I can’t wait to see what happens. Let’s hustle, James.”

  * * *

  It was strange driving down the two-lane road Rowan hadn’t seen in almost nine years.

  Everything was exactly the same as the day she left.

  They passed the Chambers’ property and she smiled at the cows milling in the pasture closest to the house. She’d always loved his family home, his land.

  As they approached the turn to Miss Jeffries’ home, the driver pulled to the side of the road and James pointed through the window. Rowan gasped at a house across the road from where she grew up. A house where only trees had been.